My major setback and my thought.

I have been promising too much than I can do. I think this is really a major setback of my character. Whenever someone comes to me and asks for help, I always offer the best I can. I think too much for others but not myself.

Students come to me for all sorts of problems.
I answer and help.
School Deans come to me for wanting me to take extra classes.
I hate it but take it more often than not.
I join clubs for leisure.
But I end up taking more responsibility from it.

I think it's all my fault.
I should have said No no matter how sincere they might be.
I hate my stupid character.

Why do I have to think that
"OKAY.. I can do it if I sleep less hours."
"OKAY.. I can squeeze some time during weekend."

I think I haven't left enough time for myself.
I think I haven't considered enough that "There are always unexpected things happening." For instance, I might fall ill. I might need to join family gatherings which means will never end till late. And it leaves me no time for what I may have promissed someone.

I hate myself.
I have been chasing by time and people. At the end of the day, I pleased PEOPLE but not myself. And I feel so bad when I have to delay the work promissed to be done by certain time.

I am a bit TOO TIRED.
I don't even want to answer calls.
I don't even want to go out.
I don't even want to kill myself.
I guess that's because
I AM JUST A BIT TOO TIRED.

Can you??

Can you date someone who doesn't make your heart beat like a running deer? I can't. I feel so tired of dating those who I haven't got a special feeling. I would say "No chemstry."

However, people would tell me that "Feeling is not reliable." But I really can't go out with a person that I don't feel comfortable with. I hate people telling me that after getting to 30, I'll stand no better chance of marrying a good man. I didn't say that I don't want to get married, but why do they have to be in such a hurry.

This really pisses me off and also frustrates me. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Or I should compromise myself to the reality and marry the man who the elders feel reliable.

Fuck...... This fucking stupid world.

A day for change.

This afternoon I will get a perm!! I haven't permed my hair for about 3 or 4 years. This is the first time that I feel I can do something with my hair. Haha... I'm a bit nervous actually. I hope I can change my hairdo and change my negative emotions. I just can't stop thinking about the past. The memories would just pop out at anytime and I couldn't control them. They just came whenever they like. I feel so bad about it. O#*O#*...

Well.. anyway.... I will go and do something this afternoo. Wish me luck!

老師說...

下午跟大學的老師見面了...

言談中老師還像記憶中一樣充滿熱情

她說:

事情發生了，對方的錯我們不要再去想了..
但是自己一定也有錯，反省自己並告訴自己，
不要再犯同樣的錯，我們就一定能過的更好!成為一個更好的人!!

我一直想著你的錯也一直想著自己的錯，我沒能好好地原諒自己。
我害怕自己已經失去再愛人的能力，我擔心自己..無法再愛..
我覺得那是你害的..可是又無法原諒自己愛上你。
很糟吧...我這樣矛盾的心情...

我一定不能再害怕，一定要變成更好的人!

I have been thinking of you recently. I'm sure that you can feel it.
I knew it's also my fault of letting you treat me wrong.
I can't forgive you and it's because I can't truely forgive myself.
I'm so afraid that I might not be able to love again.
I will be a better person... I will.