How you die is quite important. But, by far more important is how you live.

I have been through a lot these days both mentally and physically. I met my ex-boyfriend and we spent few weekends together. He took me out for a surprised dinner to celebrate my 27th birthday. That was sweet! But the worst part was when he told me he still likes me and wants me to be happy with him. As he said he does not only want me to be his friend but also a lover for good.

This was where he got me. I think I said yes to him partly because I was lonely and partly because I had exactly the same feeling towards him as he did to me. The whole thing didn't start from my side. People can blame me for this because I did say No to him at the first place but couldn't stick to No for the following weeks. I knew it's my fault.

The day his present girlfriend sent me mails made me feel a bit upset but not sad. There were some bad words from her and I could see misundersatnding. But I just simply don't want to explain any more.

She blamed me for everything! Of course, she would! That's because she loves her boyfriend and I have no problem with that. It just tired me.

Since my first aka my ex-boyfriend couldn't make up his mind over the years when we were together and let this went on and on. What can I do? For what happened in my life can't be controlled by me. I decided to give up and try to be happy everyday. I don't want to regret for what I have done. I knew love hurts. It hurts so badly that I couldn't cry even I tried. Maybe my heart has died and I wonder if there really were soemone out there for me.

I feel nothing. I don't know why but I can't feel now. I was sad for I was so stupid. I made mistake. Nobody can understand and not even me. What's wrong with us? What's wrong with a man like my ex?